Look What They Did

There was a time when trust was shattered and I was trapped in a “look what they did” mode. The wound cut deep, and in my pain, I pulled others into my suffering, seeking company for my misery. Anger and resentment became my constant companions, coloring my words and actions. I fixated on the hurt I experienced, refusing to consider the other side, and allowed bitterness to take root. Soon, I found myself unable to look at those who hurt me with love or compassion—instead, only pain and contempt remained.

This scenario could easily describe a conflict with my husband or a close friend. My mind was consumed with the need to tell others, “Look what this person did to me.” I replayed the offense, unable to let go, and in doing so, I remained trapped in a cycle of hurt. My conversations became laced with gossip as I sought validation for my feelings. Looking back, I recognize the many ways I misstepped—how I chose resentment over reconciliation. Yet, even in my stubbornness, God gently nudged me toward forgiveness and restoration, showing me a better way.

 “Get rid of all bitterness, rage (harsh words), and anger, brawling, and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate with one another; forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32

Scripture urges us to examine our hearts and not let anger lead us into sin (Psalm 4:4: “Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent.”). I had to confront my motives: Why was I sharing my pain with others? Was I seeking sympathy? Trying to damage the other person’s reputation? Hoping to sway others against them? These questions pierced my heart as God revealed the true condition of my spirit and how my judgment was clouded by hurt.

My words toward the person who hurt me changed—they became harsh and critical, a far cry from the encouragement and kindness Scripture calls us to show (1 Thessalonians 5:11). I avoided even reading that passage because I knew I was failing to live it out. I wanted to cling to my pain and justify my unforgiveness. In my woundedness, I lashed out, letting anger, bitterness, and resentment control me. My heart grew hard, and I could feel myself drifting further from the compassion God desires for us. But God, in His relentless mercy, continued to prompt me—sometimes gently, sometimes forcefully—leading me back toward grace and forgiveness.

Choosing forgiveness in any relationship isn’t about excusing the wrong or pretending it never happened. Instead, forgiveness uproots bitterness before it can poison our hearts. It’s an intentional decision to acknowledge the offense—saying, “Yes, you were wrong”—but also to release the urge to hold their actions against them. The consequences of their behavior are not for us to deal out; that’s not our burden to carry. Instead, we are called to let go, trusting that healing and restoration are possible when we follow God’s lead.

As I reflect on my experience, I see the wisdom in God’s commands: to be angry but not sin, to seek understanding, and to forgive as He forgave us. It’s not easy, but it is transformative. When we surrender our hurt and choose forgiveness, we break free from the chains of bitterness and open the door to true healing and restored relationships. Instead of “look at what they did,” I now can say, “look what God did.”

Forgiveness offers the opportunity to reach out to the person who hurt you

Are you keeping a record of offenses of another person?  Is unforgiveness poisoning your heart, destroying the gift God gave you with that person?  What are your motives behind sharing your pain?

Father, I confess that pain has sometimes led me to anger and resentment. Please help us reflect on our motives during hardship and guide us to forgiveness—reminding us that forgiving others frees our hearts from bitterness. Give us the courage to let go, trust You with outcomes, and allow Your love to heal us. In Jesus’ name, Amen.